—REAL JOB POST—
“Public Speaking Ability
We are currently looking for someone with public or motivational speaking skills needed for group orientation. You must have no fear of presenting information to large or small groups. Marketing or sales experience a plus.
Much of this work may be done from your home.
Flexibility of schedule.”
—THE COVER LETTER I SUBMITTED—
Hello, Nameless Company with No Job Details in Your Craigslist Post:
Are you saying you’re actually hiring “public speaking ability”?
I’m exactly what you’re looking for: a short, semi-attractive, charismatic motivational-speaker type with gobs of speaking experience and an acrylic beard.
DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE TO SPEAK?
I’m speaking as I type this!
That’s how MUCH!
But let’s get to your softly-defined requirements.
Fear? I spit in its face.
During my seven years in LA, I performed as a standup comic at hundreds of open mics, to crowds both large and small.
Example: One night, my friend Stu and I spent seven hours waiting to go onstage for a 5-minute spot at Ha Ha’s (thanks to the jackass emcee who forgot to look on the other side of the list). By the time I performed, there were only two people in the audience: a homeless dude…and Stu.
They both heckled me.
Groups? Not a problem. I was a volunteer for the 1984 Aurelius Baptist church vacation bible school. During my week-long tenure, I poured wax cups of Kool-Aid and broke up a fight between two kids arguing about the real length of Jesus’ beard.
Marketing experience a plus? I’m not sure you can ever call “marketing” a plus, but I have plenty. I also enjoy breaking Saltine crackers and dripping the crumbs into my eyeballs.
Question: If I’m speaking in public, why is “much of the work…done from [my] home”?
Is this some kind of Amway job? No. You’d never bait and switch me, right?
It’s okay. I can hold orientations in my 1/800th-sized replica of the Roman Coliseum. I just need to shrink my body to the height of a hot dog and construct an A/V system that my pet hamster, Marb, can operate. Seriously, I think it would be a pretty effective place to motivate large groups of very tiny people.
Do you have a shrink ray I can borrow?
Also–though I prefer a flexible schedule, “flexibility of schedule” is great!
YOU WRITE GOOD!
Thanks for your consideration and total vagueness. It’s so encouraging to have no idea whatsoever to what I’m applying for.
P.S. You can order a fake Jesus beard here.