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Applying for: “Position in Yacht Sales”

—JOB POST—

“A Position with Robert Christopher Yacht Sales is indisputably one of the most exciting careers in America. We have positions for both experienced brokers and new brokers just entering into the marine industry. If you are qualified and at a cross roads in your life and if you would like to make your passion your profession, we can show you the way.

WHY YOU SHOULD LOOK AT A CAREER IN YACHT SALES:

  • Unlimited Income Potential.
  • Unlimited personal and professional growth.
  • Unlimited free training, coaching and mentoring.

QUALIFICATIONS:

  • All applicants should have good computer skills
  • You must be professional in both appearance and demeanor and articulate over the phone and in correspondence.
  • You must be professional and articulate.”

—THE EXCEPTIONALLY ARTICULATE COVER LETTER I SUBMITTED—

Dear Mr. Christopher:

Indeed. Yacht sales is one of the most exciting careers in our beloved country. More exciting than driving Indy cars, starring in a reality series, or playing bass for Twisted Sister. More importantly, it deeply reflects the current state of our economy. What people need more than anything right now is more yachts!

Here’s my plan for blowing sales out of the water (I learned how to be punny from my former CEO. I don’t think he owns a yacht, but I am confident he’ll buy one from me after the following pitch):

Let’s face it. We’re experiencing climate change, skyrocketing gas prices and a deep unemployment rate. To help our clients save money, eliminate oil dependency and “trickle down” the wealth, we’ll “hire” unemployed people to “live” inside our boats. Their only requirement is to shut the fuck up and row.

Now, I realize some Thurston Howell III motherfucker will get all bent out of shape at the idea of 800 arms sticking out the side of his precious water Benz, but I do believe the cost of operating a yacht sans gas will negate his concerns. Additionally, the 401* people below deck will only require a daily ration of Tang and a free Gordita.

Note: I know this offer will truly resonate with my former CEO. He’s got a stockpile of free Gordita coupons from Taco Bell hiding in his pants.

*Why 401? One additional person is required to berate those who refuse to attend the weekly scrum meeting.

Before I continue: am I being articulate? You emphasize the need to be articulate twice in your job post, so I know you care deeply about this all-important skill that we professionals engage throughout every conversation, be it written or over the phone, in order to remain considerate of the other party and to exhibit a sense of brevity, class and to sound like we’re from Kennebunkport versus a small, rural town in central Michigan. Be assured, Mr. Christopher, that I am exceptionally articulate and love to be as redundant as possible in my communications with prospects in order to drive my point home. Drive my point home.

That felt good.

Aside from the revenue upside, what strikes me about your opportunity is three-fold:

  1. I am at a crossroads in my life (I live with my girlfriend at her parent’s house)
  2. I have excellent computer skills (I’m typing this on a Tandy TRS-80) and
  3. I’m both delighted and confused by your tri-fold promise of unlimited income, unlimited personal and professional growth, and unlimited free training.

I’ve never encountered an opportunity for unlimited free training. Does this include pilates class?

As for “unlimited personal growth,” I’m currently 5’7″. By working for you, I can’t wait to be 279 feet tall by the end of Q4! My only concern: does your offer include unlimited suit alterations?

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. I look forward to my new home aboard the USS Gordita.

Sincerely,

auGi Garred
Future Yacht Broker, Sales and Scrum Master

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