—CRAIGSLIST JOB POST—
“Drummer and guitarist seeking Geddy Lee to round out a Rush Tribute dream.”
—MY PROGRESSIVE ROCK COVER LETTER—
Dear Faux Alex/Neil:
- Do I play bass? Yes.
- Do I have a big schnoz? Yes.
- Do I sing like my balls are clenched in a vice while a midget sprays helium on my larynx? Absolutely.
Am I hired yet? Here’s more proof of my Rushness: I was turned on to the holy trio in 1980 during a trip out west with my mom, dad and best friend, Mike. He brought along a dozen mixed tapes including songs by Iron Maiden, REO Speedwagon, Styx, Kansas, Fleetwood Mac and The Nuge (before Ted had lost his gourde).
But none compared to the moment I heard CYGNUS X-1 by Canada’s finest band:
“Six stars of the Northern Cross
In mourning for their sister’s loss
In a final flash of glory
Nevermore to grace…the night”
The pitch-shifted narrator of those Poe-like words sent chills down my spine and ignited a boner in my pants. My life has never been the same since.
Nor has my boner, but don’t worry—I use it as a sixth finger to slap the bass.
Didn’t you love, “I Love You Man”? Paul Rudd was awesome. Slappin’ da bass, mon. I’ll tell that joke onstage between Fly By Night and Xanadu. The crowd will love it.
There may be a couple of small issues.
Just so I’m completely transparent, I haven’t touched my bass in six months. Nor do I have an amp or money to buy new strings (I’m unemployed), but I suspect you guys are so dedicated to the art of recreating Rush in its early years (please tell me we’ll play Necromancer!) that a clunky D-string won’t be a problem.
Also, in order to sing Freewill, Working Man or I Think I’m Going Bald, I’ll need a way to access helium during our shows. Perhaps I can take hits from a helium suction hose strapped inconspicuously to my mic stand. Or, as mentioned earlier, hire a midget to dance and feed me gas between songs. I hear they’re also good at playing bongos and chimes, so that would free up faux-Neil from having to manage all those percussion instruments.
Maybe even let Midge play the gong! That would be cool. Or strap him to the gong and I’ll beat it with my Squier bass headstock.
Is that a problem? I do own a Geddy Lee bass, but not the original Fender because it’s too expensive. I opted for the Squier copy (it looks the same!). I even added vintage Badass pickups and a sticker on the back that says, “Allergic to Peanuts.”
BTW – I’m not really allergic to peanuts. It’s supposed to be ironic. Rush fans like irony.
So, that pretty much wraps it up, Pretend Lerxst and Pratt.
Can’t wait to start rehearsing A Passage to Bangkok.
Or, since we’re a tribute band, maybe we should slightly re-title every song. Yeah.
A Passage to “Bongkok.” Way better (and lyrically accurate).
Slappin’ da bass, mon!
Wanna apply? Here’s the original job post.