Zaius never gets old. #threadless

Applying for: “Looking For Clever Creative Writers [for Dating Site]“


“Get paid to write entertaining emails and profiles in your pajamas!

You will be crafting online profiles for our clients, and also creating “ice-breaker” email templates that evoke responses a high percentage of the time — with little to no customization.

You should have a knowledge of how to create male/female attraction through text. If you have “game” / skills with women, even better. You must be humorous (very important), witty, and able to pull the reader in using vivid description and storytelling. You should be able to trigger emotions, be confident, and create attraction with your words.

If you think you aren’t good enough or this job does not sound ridiculously cool, you should not apply.”


Dear Virtual Dating Assistants:

Funny you mention getting paid to write emails in my pajamas because that’s exactly what I’m doing right now (I’ll send the bill later).

I’m exactly what you’re looking for: a creative writer with extensive (and successful) online dating experience, skills with women, and a Ken doll bulge that, upon seeing its exquisite girth, melts people’s heads.


Seriously. I know how to speak with women online. A few years ago, while seeking for the perfect woman on, I created a surefire system that landed me six dates. My system?

Excel spreadsheet.

Can you believe that? All it took was a spreadsheet! A SPREADSHEET!


Since you demand vivid storytelling, here’s a snippet of one of my experiences that was a little…odd.

After a couple of messages, I agreed to meet “Maude” (name changed to protect myself) at Starbucks with one crucial condition: we spike our ice tea lemonades with vodka.

She was in.

Within five minutes of meeting Maude (and after learning that she had no intention whatsoever of taking a shot of Stoli from my Banana Republic flask), the following conversation occurred:

“auGi, why do you keep wiping your lips?” Maude said, staring at me in a slightly judgmental way.

“Oh. You know. I have OCD.”


“I should be on medication?” I backed up a little, feeling the heat of her authority. “Why do I need to be on medication? It’s not like I’m locked inside my apartment brushing each tooth 349 times.”

“Listen, auGi. I know what I’m talking about. I work at a women’s prison.”

“That’s interesting,” I said, but thought “I’m so going to sleep with you tonight.”

And I did. And do you know how I got into Maude’s pleated pants?

“We should go back to my apartment later,” I said. “So you can see my collection of stuffed animals.”

Are you feeling stimulated, Virtual Dating Assistants?

Then yes, I think I just “created attraction with words.”

Thank you. That’ll be $349. Where shall I email the invoice?



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