Nothing says "Happy Birthday!!" like eating your face. http://t.co/0ZcB2cbAOp

Applying for: “Best Sales Opportunity on Craigslist!”

—REAL JOB POST FROM CRAIGSLIST (EDITED DOWN FOR LENGTH SO YOU DON’T COMMIT SUICIDE…BUT YOU STILL MIGHT. SORRY.)—

Come Rock With Us In 2013!

We are an extremely well-funded International Mobile Website Development & Marketing company, Made in the USA!

Due to the explosive growth of the mobile sector, we are building a global sales force!

Are you looking for a solid company WITH A GREAT REPUTATION? Then this is your home!

This opportunity is as real as it gets. There are no false promises here, just facts. (READ ON)

We are looking for passionate, aggressive, intelligent sales people from all walks of life that are motivated to make money and looking for a true career opportunity.

  • Are you tired of being broke?
  • Unemployed?
  • Underemployed?
  • Tired of bouncing from job to job?
  • Tired of selling something that people don’t want to buy?
  • Tired of not getting paid what you are worth?
  • Tired of no job security? Look No Further!
  • Want to earn $2500 week?
  • Want to earn between $499-$3,500 per sale?

Look no further! This is an incredible opportunity for you to earn unlimited income selling a product that businesses need and must have!

The time is now to to take advantage of the most explosive sales opportunity to come around in a long time!

As part of our team we will provide you with all the bells and whistles and top of the line marketing materials for you to take advantage of the 24 million businesses in the USA that are waiting for you to help them go mobile!

—MY COVER LETTER—

Holy shit! This is possibly the most incredible opportunity I’ve ever encountered! I’m so excited right now, I just sharted!

Sorry. That’s what happens when my next employer talks about “explosive growth in the mobile sector!” and ends every sentence with an exclamation point or a question that makes my lower intestine rumble!

I LOVE EXPLOSIVE GROWTH!

I also love hamburger buns. Are they included in my benefit package?

I’M READY TO ROCK WITH YOU IN 2013! And since you imply that this job has a ton of security, I assume this will also include 2014.

Before I come in for my interview—which would be ideal this Tuesday at 11:15 am—I have a few questions:

  1. If the 24 million businesses in the USA that are waiting for me to help them go mobile are my leads, why are you building a global sales force? Also, how does this make you “international”?
  2. If my income is “unlimited,” why can I only earn $2500 p/week?
  3. When you say “solid company,” does this mean you’re neither liquid or gas? You may think that a dumb question, but in my last job, the CEO was made of gas.
  4. It thrills me that you feel compelled to scream about your “GREAT REPUTATION!” Q: MAY I SCREAM AT CUSTOMERS? EXAMPLE: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE OUR MARKETING STRATEGY, FUCKWAD? IT WAS MADE IN THE USA!”

It’s reassuring that you make “no false promises here, just facts.” Because your facts are so very clear, and your promises give me a boner.

See you Tuesday at 11:15 am.

auGi Garred

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